This is today’s post from my daily coffeewithbob.blogspot.ca
blog. I hope you enjoy it!
G'day to you. How are you faring? I trust you are
fit as a fiddle. Pour yourself an icepresso and snag a virtual doughnut or
muffin while you're over there by the coffeepot. Okay, granted that I
occasionally take liberties with the language, inventing words such as
'icepresso' and 'caffo' on the fly (so to speak) but, as an English teacher, I
am constantly bemused though more often than not disappointed in the state of
the language as it is spoken on TV by supposedly educated reporters,
newscasters and guests on various shows. Well if the following is how kids are
being taught English, I would have to blame the teachers.
The following
questions were set in a GED examination . These are (supposedly) genuine answers
(from 16 year olds – ‘selected’)
Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs ..
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U(wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant) .
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs ..
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U(wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant) .
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
Okay...well, I
have seen the last one as a joke on a couple of occasions, but what can I say?
Anyone care to
comment? Did you notice the lack of question marks following many of the above
questions?
See ya, eh!
Bob
PS: English is not
the only subject to suffer. Consider these responses to questions in physics,
history, geography, religious studies and math.
Is there hope for
the human race? One has to wonder, eh! Teachers...we need your help in the worst way!
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